silva rerum

And trouble deaf Heaven with my bootless cries

I really do have to say it. I’ve screwed up.

I tried to over-​reach my own com­pet­ency and bit off more than I can pos­sibly chew.

My English pro­fess­ors this term were mostly sym­path­etic, wrong­fully so. I thank them for their sym­pathy but I would have thought that they should have chas­tised me for not giv­ing due atten­tion to the lit­er­at­ure about which they obvi­ously care. I have done my read­ings a ter­rible dis­ser­vice, a viol­ent crime, a dis­hon­our by scrib­bling “ana­lyses” tan­tamount to pablum and for­cing my pro­fess­ors to read through them, cringing and win­cing in pain and embarrassment.

Mea culpa.

My sci­ence courses have hardly gone bet­ter. I’ve kept up-​to-​date so far as I can keep abreast of the new­est course mater­ial in case of tests and quizzes. I’ve even grossly neg­lected by two essays for cell physiology, a course that I love and in which I have actu­ally done quite well.

If this year has taught me any­thing, it’s that I’m severely, pain­fully, humanly limited.

There’s some com­fort in that under­stand­ing, and pain too.

All I can do now is just study hard for my exam­in­a­tions to redeem myself, then work towards avoid­ing over­load­ing myself next year. I’m only glad that the stakes are so low right now; this is a life les­son best learned early, when the con­sequences are merely marks, not health or money.

I can do better.