The Thunderbird Gazette

         Yes­ter­day marked the end (sort of) of the AMS Elec­tions for yet another year. Once again, per­haps moreso this time, a night at the gal­lery was filled with laughter, tears, beer, nachos, and death threats to elec­tions staff. The unof­fi­cial elec­tion res­ults have been widely dis­trib­uted– and it will be no dif­fer­ent here. Except we’ll ignore the people we blacked out in a drunken haze, or don’t care to speak about. Finally the gloves are off. Here are your execs for 2008/2009 UBC– what a clusterfuck!

Prez:   Michael Duncan: 
            I per­son­ally can just not under­stand how this race went in the dir­ec­tion it did. Talk about the under­dog!!!! I’m really dis­s­a­poin­ted that my numer­ous endorse­ments on behalf of Rodrigo went largely unheard by the pop­u­la­tion. Shame on you! HE HAD THE FLU!!!!!!!!!!!! Leave Rodrigo ALONE!!!! Leave him ALOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!
           But I digress. I’m pretty excited about Mike Duncan tak­ing office. As I’m sure you, the voters, are well aware, some of Mike’s favour­ite past times include pink hats, car­dio pole dan­cing, body paint, and get­ting schmammered at teh P.I.T. To me, this is a recipe for a pretty kinky exec­ut­ive suite. AMS insiders might be aware of the small barn Jeff Friedrich con­struc­ted in his office dur­ing his term– what kind of barn with Duncan bring? I don’t know– but I wouldn’t be sur­prised if house-staff got a request for a Pole install­a­tion in the near future.…

VP Aca­demic:  Alex “Fly­er­fuck” Lougheed
           Through rich times, through poor times, through sick­ness and health, the good times and the bad– we always pretty much knew Lougheed was going to “fly­er­fuck” this race so hard it couldn’t walk for weeks. So it was no sur­prise that he won in such a defini­ot­tive way last night. My only con­cern is his abil­ity to man­age time. The VP Aca­demic has a rig­or­ous sched­ule, and I’m just not sure how Alex plans to bal­ance this, his sen­ate appoint­ment AND con­tinue his ded­ic­a­tion to pop­ping out 10–16 “adult” films a month. With that kind of work­load– that’s gonna be one tired little sol­dier. I guess we can only hope that AMS meal vouch­ers can be used to pur­chase Red­bull and Viagara.

VP Fin­ance:  Chris Dip­lock
           Chris Dip­lock– the new kid on the block. What a made for tv dis­ney movie story– it’s so sweet I’m about to vom, which may or may not be due to the copi­ous amounts fo beer con­sumed last night.But ser­i­ously, I have more than enough con­fid­ence in Dip­lock, or Dip as I’ve just now decided I will refer to him as. Par­tic­u­larly heart­en­ing is the know­ledge that he is tak­ing off to Tofino this week­end to “unwind”. I can only pray that this relax­a­tion will include sun, surf, and cocaine and hook­ers –in true VP Fin­ance style.  Don’t let me down Dip!!!!!

VP External: Stef Ratjen
            Hav­ing man­aged to con­vince the stu­dent body that if she did in fact dis­like women, or inter­na­tional stu­dents — she at least has the good sense to cen­sor her­self– it is no sur­prise that Ms. Ratjen has claimed this office. Many stu­dents have expressed a bit of unease about her per­sonal polit­ics– but to this I say nay. NAY. I am actu­ally excited about what Stef will bring to the pos­i­tion. I’m think­ing indian inspired throw rugs and hydroponics.

VP Admin : LOL

BOG: Bijan and Tim

       This was the expec­ted out­come as far as I’m con­cerned. And I’m not con­cerned, but appar­ently sheep should be? I don’t know it’s just what I’ve heard…

Sen­ate:  Azim, Blake, Alex, Rob, Alfie

            This entire elec­tion is such a freak­ing sausage-fest. The sen­ate race I think is the most lolari­ous example of this. Here we have a muslim met­ro­sexual, the can­did­ate who pro­posi­tioned the devil’s advoc­ate in broad day­light, the fly­er­fuck­ing porn star, the fra­tern­ity mas­cot, and the re-elected import we can’t get enough of.

RESOLUTIONS:

       At EAT CAKE, we– and by we I mean I, but we sounds so much cooler– sol­emnly resolve to never stop mak­ing fun of people who treat the AMS like it was the United Nations. We will seek out those who have been trapped in the mess that is stu­dent polit­ics, and guide them into the light of rational thought. We will break down bar­ri­ers between hacks, people who don’t think they’re hacks but still are hacks, and those who are so clue­less on cam­pus that they don’t even know what day it is. We will do this by the vir­tues of sar­casm, com­pletely fic­tional news cov­er­age, and exor­b­in­ate amounts of red­bull and vodka. This we pledge to you in this new year. We may blog, we may make snarky com­ments to the people sit­ting next to us, we may pass out after a night at the gal­lery in the SUB Bath­rooms. But whatever we do, we’re doing it for you UBC. Let’s have our frig­gin’ cake, and eat it too.

hearts and uni­corns and kissses and stu­dent court appeals to all of you
it’s been a great year
–S

    So I would love to give an update on the rich and heated debates that took place yes­ter­day between all the AMS elec­tion can­did­ates. I’d love to let you know how the gloves really came off, how the nails came out, how the clothes were shed, and mud was gen­er­ously dis­trib­uted– but– I can’t. I can’t because yes­ter­day at the final debate of this illus­tri­ous elec­tions cam­paign time– nobody showed up. Not even the press showed up. Not even Michael Duncan’s mom showed up. I mean there was only ONE pigeon in attend­ance and I saw it duck out early.
      To be fair no one really missed any­thing. I sat through the first hour and a half of the pro­ceed­ings and then left to stuff envel­opes for 2 hours. I AM NOT JOKING– STUFFING ENVELOPES WAS PREFERABLE. One has to won­der, when those in-the-know on UBC polit­ics are totally dis­en­fran­chised and bored with a cam­paign that is twice as short as those in the past– <i>what is going on?</i> When the AMS is doing little to noth­ing to extend inform­a­tion to the res­id­ences, to com­muters, to ANYONE <i>what is going on?</i>When I con­sider a trop­ical fish more news­worthy than any of the can­did­ates <i> what is going on / do I have a creepy pseudo-sexual thing for fish?</i>
    These are the issues of the day dear reader– I wish I could tell you any dif­fer­ent.
–S