The Thunderbird Gazette

      Fine Yian. Make me a liar! While it’s still true that yesterday’s VP debates were so bor­ing that the altern­ate event occur­ing in the same timeslot entitled “watch­ing a paint­ing, of grass grow­ing, dry” was extremely well atten­ded –this morn­ing is a brand new day and there is a brand new story. I don’t know if I’m break­ing this news but GOD I HOPE SO. Journ­al­istic integ­rity at last! I see a pulitzer in my future. I see pub­lished works based on this art­icle. I see a bio-pic star­ring Ryan Phil­lipe that would cata­pult him to the upper ech­el­ons of Hol­ly­wood star­dom and make every­one for­get “Wing­com­mander” or whatever the fuck that movie was called. So without any fur­ther ado:
       EAT CAKE EXCLUSIVE: Choose your own Adventure!!!

  We are thrilled to be able to report (because we are thrilled to be able to report ANYTHING)

    A) that the VP Admin race has offi­cially been can­celled. Rumor has it that VP Admin Can­did­ate Yian recently slept with an older dis­tin­guished gen­tle­man who had also slept with his mother, and his grand­father as well as being the topic of a best­selling novel and as a res­ult has suffered a nervous breakdown.

   B) the VP Admin race has been offi­cial can­celled. A press release from Yian sug­gests that he has real­ized that his true pas­sion is Con­struc­tion. He can now be found on wreck beach con­struct­ing tiny stu­dent union build­ings made entirely of sand and dis­carded bongs.

  C) the VP Admin race has offi­cially been can­celled. UBC insider buzz sug­gests that Yian was break­ing elec­tions code out­side the sub. This could mean any­thing from selling his body to the night to the delight of cou­gars every­where– or just cam­paiging with his laptop– But that would be lame wouldn’t it?

YOU DECIDE!
–S

    Hey there every­one. I’d like to take this oppor­tun­ity just to explain my abs­cence for the past few days. I’m sure you all thought it was some sort of spaz attack brought on by the fact that the VFM race has quickly become a cluster­fuck bey­ond com­pare. But that is just not the case. Gosh this is really really hard. Here goes nothin’ -
   Aside from over­dos­ing on green tea sup­ple­ments, I have also suffered a lapse in what I would describe as my life long struggle with emo-addiction. It’s not a phase, it’s not just me being silly– it’s a dis­ease and it’s a ter­minal one. One day it is more than pos­sible that in a fit of emo– I will choke myself to death with an unne­ces­sary scarf, or I will stab myself straight through the eye and into my vuner­able brain cav­ity with an over-sharpened eye­liner pen­cil. 
    Over the past few days I’ve been binging hard­core. Everything I’ve worn has been striped. I had to be restrained from hav­ing per­man­ent eye­liner and tears tat­tooed on my face, and I have penned at least three volumes of intim­ate poetry res­ult­ing in plenty of right­eous emo paper cuts and what I think is the defin­it­ive lit­er­ary account on the life of a strug­gling blog­ger in a blo­gi­fied world of blo­gi­fic­a­tion.
    This latest bout of emo was brought on by many things, and I don’t want any one per­son to feel per­son­ally respons­ible. Rodrigo– I’m look­ing at you. If any­thing your end­less diatribes have soothed this tor­tured artist’s soul. Don’t blame your­self when I’m gone.  The import­ant thing is that I’m over it now, I’ve come back to my senses, shed my chuck taylors, and I’m back.

- S

In a heated debate today at the SUB, Pres­id­en­tial can­did­ate Mathew Naylor came under fire over the topic of endorse­ments. Journ­al­ists from the Uybes­sey poin­ted out that Mr.Naylor has failed to col­lect any endorse­ments from past or present AMS Execs, cast­ing a shadow of doubt on his cam­paign. Mr. Naylor handled the ques­tion in a cool unflap­pable man­ner which seemed to be indic­at­ive of matur­ity and patience.

We here at Eat Cake know oth­er­wise– and we can­not be silenced. 

Little Known Fact: Mat­thew Naylor was for much of his life known as Lil Nay Nay– a name which to this day is revered on the mean streets of Cal­gary. He spent the major­ity of his life “keep­ing it real” while ardently invest­ig­at­ing his lifelong pas­sion for jazz, and pop­ping caps in mother­fuck­ers who crossed his path. Dur­ing a brief stint in the pokey, Lil Nay Na estab­lished him­self as one of the more “lib­eral” prison dons to have passed through those hal­lowed halls. This was largely due to his repu­ta­tion for mercy. Dur­ing the twelve months he spent behind bars Nay Nay estab­lished his “cred” by shank­ing a mere 18 other inmates, all mem­bers of the young con­ser­vat­ive “crew” of Cell Block D.

In light of this know­ledge, I admit to being some­what con­cerned for both the future of the AMS, and more spe­cific­ally that poor, unin­formed Ubyssey reporter. So many ques­tions rear their ugly heads. Will the AMS become a drug car­tel deal­ing mainly in opi­ates and black mar­ket Kenny G c.ds? Will safe­walk be abol­ished in favour of some sort of “thug walk” ser­vice which will provide pro­tec­tion in exchange for your wal­let and your shoes if they’re expens­ive? And most import­antly, what kind of retali­ation will we see towards the Ubyssey reporter from a man who once stabbed a man to death only using the pointy end of his cam­paign pins?

The future is indeed uncer­tain– all I’m say­ing is if some reporter wakes up tomor­row with the severed head of the fire hydrant in his bed– this guy won’t be sur­prised. Because straight up holmes, don’t be fooled by the rocks that he got– he’s still– he’s still Nay Nay from the Block.

- S

                Rep­res­ent­at­ives from the Totem Park Resident’s Asso­ci­ation have lashed out at  Pres­id­en­tial can­did­ate “Che” Allison over his pro­posed plans to bring at least two “shanty vil­lages” to UBC upon his inaug­ur­a­tion. Che revealed his pre­lim­in­ary plans for said Shanty Vil­lages dur­ing the debate held today in the con­ver­sa­tion pit, and sug­ges­ted that this would be an appro­pri­ate means of increas­ing stu­dent hous­ing. Totem Rez Asso­ci­ation Reps have expressed their out­rage at these plans, assert­ing that they are “cal­lous, incon­sid­er­ate, and just hurt­ful.” One res­id­ent com­men­ted that Che had shown unbe­liev­able “cul­tural insens­it­iv­ity” by his sug­ges­tion.  Asked to make a final state­ment on the topic, the TPRA Press rep released this, “ We just don‘t under­stand why Che can‘t plan for afford­able, qual­ity stu­dent hous­ing– no one‘s tried that yet! UBC already has a Shanty Vil­lage and Totem is it! Che needs to respect our cul­tural rights and cre­ate some other kind of housing.‘

                Com­ments from Che‘s camp were unavail­able as of press time.

–S